


The Stupidest Kidnapping Ever

by 12oclockAM



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Crack, Humor, Its ranboo, Kidnapping, That first tag makes you think this is angsty, are you surprised though, it isnt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29969883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/12oclockAM/pseuds/12oclockAM
Summary: Basically Ranboo gets kidnapped except he makes it so fucking awkward that the kidnappers let him go. It's not angsty at all, this is purely humor.
Relationships: Ranboo & Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 296





	The Stupidest Kidnapping Ever

**Author's Note:**

> You could call this a mafia au if you want. Also I might update The Red Book of Secrets after this if I have the time, so stay tuned for that if you're interested :D

The car is silent as it passes through more trees, our main character sat in the back seat with his hands tied together in his lap. The two men in the drivers and passenger seat are arguing about which road is the best to take as to not get arrested.

Now, Ranboo isn't really scared at all. If anything, he just feels like he should say something. He knows a thing or two about sneaking around, you have to believe him. It's just... he feels really awkward right now. So he clears his throat, the two mean looking back at him as the driver parks behind some trees. "So uh... what's happening, exactly?" He asks, knowing he probably just made the situation worse for himself. Not more dangerous, mind you. Just... more awkward.

The driver furrows his eyebrows. "You're being kidnapped." He says, as if Ranboo is a stupid, dumb child. Ranboo has the urge to roll his eyes, but he refrains easily. It's rude to... be rude. "No, I- I know that. I just mean, like, where are we headed?" Fuck, he should have said 'where are you taking me'. 'Where are we headed' sounds way to casual for someone being kidnapped.

This time the man in the passenger seat looks confused, turning around all the way and squinting at Ranboo. "To our hideout- what do you have a chip or something? Is someone listening to our conversation? Why are you acting like that?" A suspicious tone fills the man's voice as he looks at Ranboo's ears and around his neck, trying to find a wire or something. Now Ranboo looks confused, only confusing the kidnappers even more. "...No...? You picked me up off of the street, why would I just _have_ a chip on me?"

The situation at hand is deeming everyone in the car slightly uncomfortable, making the driver call his boss from his phone. "Hey, uh, do we like... really _need_ to kidnap this specific kid?" He asks slowly, a confused noise coming from the phone. _"Uh, yeah? He's close to the Minecraft family, and we need leverage over them."_ A staticy, gruff voice calls over the speaker of the phone. Ranboo squints. Minecraft _family_? The only person with the last name Minecraft he knows is Phil, and he thought that was a joke.

"I- I'm sorry sir but... who?" Ranboo asks, making both the men in the car and the person on the other side of the phone pause. _"You didn't get the wrong kid, did you? And if so, how?? He is incredibly distinguishable."_ Ranboo doesn't know whether or not to be offended by that. The men both hum though. "No, we got the right one. Tall, monochrome hair and skin, weirdly colored eyes." Okay _that's_ rude. Ranboo makes sure to glare at the man who said that, the passenger, who rolls his eyes. _"Okay, maybe he's just faking it. Why did you even call about this?"_ The man on the other side of the phone is sounding more and more agitated as the conversation draws on, giving the men in the car worried looks on their faces.

Passenger Seat, as Ranboo _lovingly_ named him, swallows before replying. Why?? This isn't some Loony Tunes movie, the fuck? "Sir, this child is... weirdly calm about this whole thing. He doesn't even look anxious or anything, just... really uncomfortable." Ranboo nods, sagely. As if Passenger Seat had just spoken the wisest words he's ever heard. _"Well then deal with it. I'm hanging up."_ Before either of the men could reply, Ranboo did. "Sir?" _"...Yes?"_ "You do know the Minecraft name is just a joke, right?? Like, who's last name is Minecraft? Since when was that the thing you guys were calling him? Also could we hurry whatever this is up? I was going to visit my sister."

The car goes silent.

 _"Get him out of the car."_ Is the last thing the men hear before the phone beeps, signifying that the manager or whatever has hung up. The two men look back up at Ranboo, who blinks at them. They blink back.

...

"So..." "Oh- uh- yeah I guess we should uh... untie you." "Yeah. Yeah." He gets untied by the passenger guy, who then gestures to the door. "Well, I mean, as nice as this is uh... can I get my phone back? Y-you don't have to but I uh... need that to get back home." God, this is so awkward.

The man in the passenger seat hands Ranboo his phone, who then proceeds to call Techno. The phone ringing in the silent car somehow just makes everyone even more uncomfortable. After about thirty whole seconds of pure discomfort, Techno picks up. _"Hey Ranboo, why aren't you at Niki's? You're location says you're a little bit outside of town."_ Techno asks, and he hears Wilbur and Tommy yelling in the background about Solitaire. "Hey Techno!" The men at the front stiffen at the name, obviously just wishing they had kicked the kid out instead of giving him his phone. "I kind of got kidnapped but they're letting me out. Could you pick me up?" He says, happy to finally be talking to someone he's comfortable with.

Silence...

_"...You were kidnapped."_ Techno repeats, and he hears the yelling stop in the background. Ranboo hums, unfazed. "Yeah, they're really nice though. They let me have my phone back so I could ask you to pick me up. Is now not a good time, by the way? I can walk if you guys are busy." Now the men just look anguished and confused.

Techno sighs on the other end of the phone, and he hears Phil telling Wilbur and Tommy that he and Techno will be back while Techno gets up. _"No, we're not busy Ranboo. And if we ever_ are _too busy to pick you up, you call Niki, Bad, or someone else who can. Christ."_ Ranboo hums again. "Thanks Techno. I'll be standing by the road." They exchange their goodbyes, Techno obviously ignoring Phil's pleas to stay on the phone.

One he hangs up, Ranboo smiles at the two men in front, who just look so, so confused. Almost painfully so. "Thank you for... this, I guess. It was an experience." They nod, albeit slowly and unsurely, as Ranboo slides out of the car, waving to them as they pull back onto the road and drive away.

It takes barely ten minutes for Phil and Techno to arrive when it should have taken thirty, and Ranboo trusts the idea that Phil broke several traffic laws to get to him. Ten minutes was enough time to call Niki and cancel their meet-up, which she was fine with, saying Eret and her can send him some goods that he may miss out on making. Once Phil parks, Ranboo barely has enough time to step near the car before Phil barrels into him, checking his face for injuries or pain.

"Are you okay?!? Did they hurt you!!??! Tell me who they are so I can hunt them down-" Phil continues to rant worriedly at a confused Ranboo as Techno steps out of the car, looking as if he's about to puke and has just stared death dead in the eye. "Phil, calm down. If Ranboo wasn't okay, he probably would seem a lot more panicked right now. Also, maybe _don't_ go thirty miles over the speed limit next time you drive." Techno complains, leaning against the car as Ranboo laughs.

Phil, who's only calmed down the slightest bit, leads Ranboo to the car with a sigh, giving him a look that says 'explain' in the rear view mirror. "So... I was just walking to Niki and Eret's house, right?" They nod. "And then I wake up in a car with my hands tied together." Techno nods, but Phil looks like he's going to start raging. "So they pull over to see how they're going to drive back to their base without the risk of cops, and I guess I made them uncomfortable because they called their boss to make sure that I actually needed to go with them." "Who was-" "I don't know who the boss was, Phil. Anyways, so they confirm that they needed me for leverage over 'The Minecraft Family'." Techno and Phil stiffen slightly. "I then ask how long that might take because, you know, I was going to go visit Niki."

Techno pinches the bridge of his nose, Phil rolling his eyes as he stops at a red light. Ranboo continues. "The two guys looked at me weirdly before their boss told them to let me go and hung up. Then they gave me my phone after I asked, and let me go!" He finishes off, smiling expectantly, and oh so innocently, at his friends.

The pink haired man looks back at him with a scrutinizing gaze. "So you're telling me you were so awkward that they couldn't handle it and let you go?" Ranboo nods, his small smile never leaving. Phil groans, exasperated, as Techno sighs. "You are the strangest kid I will ever meet, Tubbo being second to that title." Ranboo straightens up at the name of his friend. "Oh yeah, I should probably tell him why I didn't text him back." He pulls out his phone again as Phil and Techno share a glance. The rest of the car ride is silent, but this time nowhere near as awkward.


End file.
